What are you doing here?

I’ve always wanted to do…something. I have a list as long as my arm of things I’ve wanted to try which have never come to fruition. And you know what? Doing stuff is hard. When you’re thinking about how you want to do stuff, you forget that for most activities you have to actually put on pants. And when you’re taught as a kid to quit things before you start it becomes incredibly difficult to gather the motivation to put yourself out there and try something new. So the fact that I’m here and I’m wearing pants (or am I?) and I’m writing this is a pretty good start. And here we find ourselves- my first post of my umpteenth attempt to start a blog. You’re probably thinking “what are you doing here?” Well, since you asked. I’m looking for my voice.

Growing up I wasn’t encouraged to try new things or explore my interests. I wasn’t nurtured in the sense that when I wanted to do something that was different or out of the ordinary, I was met with resistance. I’m 100% positive that if my parents read this they would be appalled. How dare I suggest they were anything other than supportive and loving! What about letting me dye my hair or decorate my room, etc? Yes, they did allow me to do those things and from an outside perspective they were *great* parents. Letting me explore my “individuality.” The reality, however, was that I was made to feel ashamed of my light. The light that burned inside me and made others laugh, created things, and cared for others in a way that I can’t explain. My “rebellions” were small and far between- things like putting royal blue streaks in my hair or listening to punk rock. When I laughed, I was being too loud. When I wanted to try a new activity I was met with “are you sure? Are you actually going to do it? Or are we going to spend the money only for you to quit?” Eventually I stopped wanting to try new things- I had come to the conclusion that I would just quit or fail anyway so why even try? When I was proud of a project or presentation in which I had incorporated my art skills I was asked “what are they teaching you in school? Coloring?” When I showed passion for an interest, they became worried I would never “grow out of it” and that it would conflict with other aspects of my life.  RIDICULOUS! Passion is an amazing thing. It shows you care about something outside of yourself. It shows that you can become emotionally invested in something.  One of the many many reasons I love my partner is their ability to have more than one passion and I want that, too!

So where am I going with this? I (not so) recently made my stand-up comedy debut after taking a local comedy class. This was a HUGE step for me. I had always wanted to try stand up comedy. In fact, I was cleaning out a storage closet in my house and I found a extra curricular class catalog which was folded over to a stand up comedy class- I had never taken the class and that booklet was at least 5 years old. I had always been too scared to get up on stage for fear that I would fail. In the past, I had mentioned to my family I wanted to try stand up and that one day I thought I could be good at it- I was met with scoffs. My amazing partner encouraged me to face my fear and try it- they thought I would be great and wanted me to explore something I’d always wanted to do. Despite wanting to run screaming from the parking lot and feeling like I may shit myself out of nervousness, I put one foot in front of the other and I got on that stage. Turns out- I loved it! I loved the feeling of being on stage and making people laugh. I loved turning my stories of tragedy into humor- taking myself out of the place of a victim and putting myself in a place of power- owning my past.  It helped me realize I am more than my experiences.

But now what? I find myself in a position where I want to continue to do comedy and make people laugh, but scared to expose myself again. I didn’t even post the video of my comedy routine for fear that my parents might see it. I’m tired of being afraid. I deserve to have passion and to nurture my creativity and to quit hiding my light. I decided I needed to find my voice.  Not only my comedic voice, but my artistic voice. My self-care voice. My positive voice.  The voice that believes in herself and encourages her. So I’ve decided to start this blog to explore all the things I’ve always wanted to do. So in the words of the Unbeatable Squirrel Girl- LET’S GET NUTS!!

2 thoughts on “What are you doing here?

Add yours

  1. keep pushing through, never let go of your passion. I would love to see your video of your debut i’m sure you were fantastic. love on yourself and don’t worry about what anyone thinks. find your voice and keep going forward. like you said one foot in front of the other. much love and success.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. nice start to a blog – being vulnerable and honest. everyone is afraid – afraid of failure, people’s opinion, etc. but failure is also how we learn and grow and become well-rounded humans with compassion and insight. go for whatever it is you want to do and embrace the failure so you can USE it for material.

    Liked by 1 person

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